Now & Not Now

Some days are better than others. I think all of us know this. There really are glimmers of hope in the midst of depression, even if I can’t always see them. It is so, so easy to spiral into a space where all I can see is the dark. It happens more than I care to admit. Depression sucks, y’all.

Image by Joe from Pixabay

I thought I would be out of the woods by now, and making plans with my psychiatrist to begin the weaning process from my medication. Nope. I am barely functioning with the medication and therapy. It’s a powerless, hopeless, frustrating state to be in when my default mode has always been Sunshine.

Anyway. Writing helps. Your words of encouragement help.

Yesterday, when I was trying to get the timing right for my list of tragedies, I was flipping through past bullet journals and I happened to notice a lot of GLAD entries. These entries represent a tool my therapist taught me to try and keep my mind from spiraling to the darkest places, or at the very least, keep the light at the end of the tunnel in my line of sight. It’s an acronym I use to note the good things in my day. It stands for:

• Grateful for…
• Learned today…
• Accomplished today…
• Delighted in…

Because of my ADHD, there is only NOW and NOT NOW in my brain. So, as soon as something is NOT NOW, it’s like it doesn’t exist. I mean that quite literally. When I am drowning in the dark seas of anguish, there is no life preserver in existence if it’s not directly in my line of sight.

All that to say, I had forgotten every GLAD entry. As soon as it’s written down, unless I choose to look back again, I don’t remember it. It makes dealing with the Big Bad Things (like loved ones dying) overwhelming and the Little Bad Things nearly impossible to tolerate. Those things loom so large, they crowd out everything else. All the NOWS and the NOT NOWS have disappeared. And unless I am diligent and consistent–another nearly impossible feat in my ADHD life–I can never keep the Good Things in front of me as a source of hope.

I think I’m going to take some time this weekend to go more slowly through my old bullet journals and soak in the GLAD entries.

But I’m so tired of surviving. Bone weary. I know Jesus promises rest for the souls of the weary, and I’m seeking that space of rest in the midst of all this nonsense. The Psalms help. Bright sunny days help. Your words help.