I Apologize.

A gift came my way
I was loathe to refuse,
though I knew
rage
would come.

I apologize?

I die to myself
over and over again,
though I know
I’m
not seen.

I apologize?

Walking on eggshells,
every encounter is fragile,
and I know
I
can’t win.

I apologize?

I hold my silence
when words are let loose
in a torrent
of
hard knocks.

I apologize?

When I fall short
of impossible standards,
never as good
as
even my past self.

I apologize?

Just when I think
everything’s going so well,
I am tripped
up,
I stumble again.

I apologize?

For being myself.
The only self I can be,
imperfect, but loving
I’m
not enough.

I apologize?!

Finished with doubt,
my friendship still holds,
not in the right image,
Does
it matter?

No more apologies.

It’s always my fault,
venting and craving
capitulation
and
pity.

No more apologies.

My heart beats a rhythm,
my stomach turns sour
waiting for honest
words
pouring out.

No more apologies.

I’ve suffered enough
under the tyranny of misery,
no more will I stand
the
object of scorn.

No more apologies.

There is pain, yes,
but I’m hurting too
every time flames are let loose
and
burn me.

No more apologies.

I’ll never forget some of Dad’s last words to me: “Never apologize when you’re trying to do something nice for someone. Don’t ever do that.”

Even when I know that I have done nothing wrong–not only that, but when I know that I have made every real effort to do and be what is kind and right–I will find a way to blame myself for any misunderstanding. Every time. I can always find something to apologize for, even when there is nothing. I actually tend to apologize for other people’s feelings.

No more.

I will continue to forgive, as many times as it takes. Not because I am such a great forgiver, but because I have no excuse to withhold forgiveness, when I think of what has been forgiven in me. But, forgiveness does not always lead to reconciliation. For the first time in my life, I might have to be okay with that.

Thankfully, I don’t have to worry about this in my close relationships, but there are some relationships deep in my past in which I carry scars and not-quite-healed wounds. These words stemmed partially from those experiences.

Grace & Peace,
Tiffany