I Am Untouched

I am an island with a dark lighthouse. Untouched by any keeper. Stark. Cold. Impenetrable.

Untouched by any keeper. Stark. Cold. Impenetrable.

Stark. Cold. Impenetrable.

Neither the warmth of sun nor the freshness of rain can change my affect.

Grey. Bleak.

Hard.

Unmoved by any but the utmost violence.

Sometimes, I think I could go the rest of my life without ever touching another person ever again. I quite literally repel physical affection. Regularly.

My poor children have to ask me before they hug me. Because sometimes, I just can’t. And I don’t know why.

What kind of mother does that make me?

It’s depressing to think about.

I reach out for help, but I am still waiting. No tools are placed in my hands. Only pats on the head, and you’ll-be-fine’s.

What do I need to get through this?

I want to live “wholehearted,” like Brene Brown says. Vulnerable. Open. Believing in my inherent worth in the eyes of God. The worth he ascribes to each one of us, rooted in his extravagant, ridiculous love. The gall of our Creator, to think that we are worth reaching down into the mud for.

If only I could believe it of myself.

I know it. I can touch it, look at it, reason it to be so.

Where is the string of faith that connects my heart to my mind?

Lost.

I am untouched.

And I don’t know why..

As I write more, I am just free-writing. Letting whatever comes to mind flow from my fingers to this page. It doesn’t define who I am, only where I am in a moment. I’m trying to step back and see what’s really going on in me. Your patience with these ramblings is appreciated. This post was written back in April of this year. I don’t remember quite what lead to it, but I know the struggle still lingers. It’s taken a back seat right now, and isn’t so prnounced. But…I’m trying to be real. So there you go.

Grace & Peace,
Tiffany

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “I Am Untouched

  1. Love you babe,
    It’s sometimes hard to hear what you’re going through and feel like I can’t help.
    I can only pray that God gives you the confidence and knowledge that you are an amazing wife/mother/daughter/friend. XoxoXOx

  2. Praying for u dear one. I have been listening to pastor Paul’s (www.ccontario.com) lessons on the book of Romans. They help a lot with me remembering His grace and love for me. Romans 8:1 ❤️ Love ya, Lolly

    Sent from my iPad

    >

  3. Hello, Tiff.
    The enemy loves to distract us from looking at Jesus.
    Everyone has an ugly side. Jesus already knew that, but it really hurts our feelings to discover it for ourselves. About our selves.
    But just as the moon is covered with pocs, yet shines a luminous glow ONLY because of the sun, so we are poc-marked, yet shine with the light of our beloved LORD.
    The only reason He reaches out to us is that the heavenlies can see how good and powerful He is — shining enough that even we can be beautiful.

Comments are closed.