The Heaviest Word I Carry

  • I should exercise more.
  • I should stop eating so much sugar.
  • I should get out into the sunshine more.
  • I shouldn’t be so impatient with these kids.
  • I should go to bed earlier.
  • I should get more organized.
  • I should be taking my fish oil everyday.
  • I should pray more/better/harder/longer.
  • I should focus more on other people.
  • I should play with my kids more.
  • I should be a better friend.
  • I shouldn’t think so much.
  • I shouldn’t feel so guilty all the time.
  • I should set a better example.
  • I should really write a good schedule and stick to it.
  • I should…

The heaviest word I have ever known.

Should.

Ugh. The weight of it makes it hard for me to type. Because, as I’m typing this, I “should” be in the kitchen with my kids, more actively supervising their cleaning job. Instead, I’m sitting here, selfishly writing whatever comes to mind.

Sometimes, the shoulds are so heavy, they hurt. And I become powerless. Paralyzed. Ineffective. Not overwhelmed, exactly, just…lost.

I’m tired of should.

I don’t want to carry it any more.

I want to walk in a different vocabulary.

  • I want to be more active.
  • I want to cut back on sugar.
  • I want to turn my face to the sun today.
  • I want to practice patience.
  • I want to wake early in the morning.
  • I want my life to have a little more order.
  • I want to put healthy things into my body.
  • I want to know God more through prayer.
  • I want to love others better.
  • I want to play with my kids.
  • I want to love my friends better.
  • I want to simplify my thoughts.
  • I want to walk free of shame.
  • I want to set a good example.
  • I want to manage my time better today.
  • I want…
  • And the truth is, I do want all those things.

    It’s just a matter of figuring out how. How to be free. How to walk again. How to move forward in the power of God in Christ Jesus. How to be weak and let his strength sustain me.

    I want the “how-to’s.”

    All I get are the “jump in and good luck!” At least, that’s how it feels.

    Is there a 12-step program for the good girls who feel lost, and are tired of carrying around the shoulds?

    Grace & Peace,
    Tiffany

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6 thoughts on “The Heaviest Word I Carry

  1. This is so true. Something that I really needed to read. If you ever get those how tos’ could you please share?

    • Holly, I’m glad needed this, because I know I’m not alone. As soon as I find any how-to, I will share. ❤

  2. I have called it guilty. If I write, I feel guilty that I am not sweeping, yet if I sweep, I feel guilty that I have not refilled the bird feeder, and if I refill the bird feeder, I feel guilty that I have not mowed the back yard and …
    I fall into the trap too often and I am sorry to say, I do not jump right back out, although I KNOW THE WAY OUT! And it is prayer.
    When I pray and ask God what He wants me to do today, and then write it down and do it, GUILT FLEES. And that is because it is false guilt, growing in the soil of do-by-self.
    When I have HIs direct instructions for today, I feel inspired, called, empowered and all sorts of other good things. Not only that, but my work comes from faith.
    And we know that what ever we do, if it does not come from the bedrock of faith, it is impossible to please God.
    And nothing else matters. ❤ K

    • Oh! how I relate to the false guilt the enemy heaps upon me, in spite of the fact that there is, therefore, now no condemnation…

      Thank you so much. Just. Thank you. ❤

  3. I want you to know we appreciate you very much! You are an excellent mother & wife in our eyes! Your letter to us was so well written, in beautiful hand-written writing that is so elegant, know that we are not upset with your choices for a family vacation- just go out there and make memories! I know camping was always our favorite family getaway activity. Love & hugs Grandad.

    Date: Mon, 6 Apr 2015 17:49:45 +0000 To: lstephenmiller@hotmail.com

    • I love you guys! We’re getting more excited for our trip, because we found a state park nearby with some really cool features! We’ll be sure to share it all with you in pictures. Love and appreciate having you for in-laws more and more everyday. Love and hugs back, Tiff.

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