To just wake up, and be who I want to be, in all the fullness and maturity that is possible for a human being trapped in a mortal body to be.
I always look forward to the feeling of catharsis after a good cry, and I wonder if those moments are a glimpse of what it will be like when I finally “know fully, even as I am fully known.” (1 Corinthians 13:12) To drink deeply, always, of that state of release and rest and a satisfying, empty fullness might be too much, even for Heaven.
What would it be like to wake up and be content in who I am? Not because I am anything particularly amazing, but because I am fully myself. My true self. The one God created me to be. What will it be like to cross the finish line, look up, and finally get to really rest?
I’m a little jealous of my dad. He knows that feeling already.
For now, I need to learn to live with my questioning, growing, stumbling, falling, trying, failing, never-quite-getting-it-right self. It’s hard to explain what I mean, exactly, but I want to try.
So many people are stuck listening to me prattle on about my struggles. I have this horrible habit of arguing with myself in front of people. As I process something verbally, I can see the direction I’m headed, and I can usually tell that’s the right direction, but I back pedal and play the “What if?” game. We all know that game.
That game where we get stuck in a cycle of imagining a future without God’s providential hand in it.
It’s quite ridiculous. Yet, I can’t seem to help reverting to that game.
I can’t quite bring myself to fully believe that God can accomplish his good purposes with or without me. He doesn’t NEED me. There will always be someone willing, but I want it to be me.
I want it to be me.
Grace & Peace,