The other day, I finally caved in to the children’s begging, and hauled a card table out onto the back porch for school. I don’t know why it took me so long. The weather was gorgeous. A perfect fall day. There was very little wind. No reason, whatsoever, for me to say no.
So, I said yes.
I’m glad I did. The time spent in the sunshine, the dog sleeping at our feet, working away, was good. In the “and-God-said-it-was-good” sense. There was something very right about it.
One of those little things that somehow become holy.
I don’t really understand how that works, but I’ll take it. That nibble of God’s grace that sustains me for quite awhile, like lembas bread to the Elves.
The rest of the day, I was plunged more deeply into the emotions of depression. I thought I was getting better, until my session on Monday. I have spent this entire week in a less than optimistic, sunshiney state of mind. Mildly speaking.
God is not cutting me much slack right now. Sure, he remembers that I am only dust, but he’s going to wring some pure, refined silver out of me if it’s the last thing he does. I’m still terrified. It hurts like hell. (Then again, that’s what sin does to a person. Its wages suck.)
The process of opening my eyes, my ears, and my heart is excruciating. I really wish I were already on the other side of all of this, so I could just share the whole testimony. There are too many pieces missing right now, though. I am being torn apart right now, and I have to trust that I’ll be reassembled properly, and in a manner that glorifies my God and Father, through his Son.
In the end, there will be something beautiful and useful made out of the rags of what I’ve been. I hope. I can’t see the end. I can’t even see very far. Sometimes, I feel totally blind. I guess that’s what makes me dependent on him.
For all of this, I am thankful. I have to be. If I don’t walk in gratitude, I’m going to sink. I will never come out on the other side with any kind of peace. I am thankful for my moments in the sun. I am thankful that I am not alone in the dark.
Grace & Peace,