I’ve been writing a lot lately. A LOT. Just, not here. My fingers, and the corresponding clickety-clackity of the keyboard on my laptop are reserved for something else. Something exciting, new, challenging, and maybe impossible.
I don’t know. Either way, it’s a good thing.
My counseling is proceeding at a clip that is too fast. I feel myself digging in my heels in fear, then talking myself into stepping forward anyway. Mentally and emotionally, I’m drained. Running on empty is getting old.
And yes, for the record, I am connecting with my Father God daily. So, please don’t tell me what I ought to be doing – I’m doing those things. They’re all that’s sustaining me right now. There are no easy, magical, spiritual fixes to my battle. I just have a long valley to walk through. It’s dark, it’s painful, and I can’t see the end result. Guess who it is that has to take each step? Me. No, I’m not alone, but in a way, I am. It’s like labor. A woman can surround herself with incredible support, but ultimately, no one else can give birth on her behalf. She has to walk it herself. That’s essentially where I am. I’m just clinging to hope that there is something as wonderful as a baby at the end of it.
I’m back on my personal Facebook account. It feels weird. I re-activated so I can keep in a little better touch over the holiday season. (Specifically, I think I would like to organize a Jesse Tree ornament exchange…but maybe not.) Facebook is the primary way I keep in close touch with some of the people who matter most. Love it or hate it, it’s a pretty easy tool to manage those things. Still, if I allow it to become a problem again…
Thankfulness. I skipped a couple of days again. So. Without further ado:
Day 6: I am thankful to have been able to send Levi to BlizzCon this year. After a couple of years of trying for tickets, we finally managed to obtain them for him, and a couple of his buddies. He will finally get to geek out for a whole weekend. And, honestly, it’s given me some time alone with the kids to work on stuff around here. Some time to think, process some of my counseling, and have some time to be truly alone with my thoughts and my God.
Day 7: I am thankful for the Bible I’ve had since I was seventeen, though it’s missing a page out of Genesis, thanks to toddler-Durin. I should really remedy that.
Day 8: I am thankful that the fleece lap blanket with the southwest-style pattern on it has lasted since Daddy gave it to me for Christmas one year when I was a teenager. It’s nice to have a few tangible things that make me feel close to him. Daddy was so funny about gifts. I’m like him. I try so hard, but I’m just not that great at picking things out for people. This blanket is not something I would have ever picked for myself. Ever never. But–it’s special now. I will use it until it falls apart, or the end of time. Whichever comes first.
Grace & Peace,