How real do I want to be on this blog, anyway? Do I really want to show my inner battle? My struggle to face issues that have been simmering for more than a decade? Am I getting too personal?
Is that where my fear comes from?
I wrote that I am terrified.
I am terrified. What if…?
Oh, Lord, the what-ifs are at it again in my head! This morning, I remembered this verse, which I learned via song as a child:
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” ~Joshua 1:9 (NIV – emphasis mine)
“Do not be terrified.” Easier said than done.
Though, just reading this reminds me who has brought me to this place that looms so large and intimidating and long.
This is my Jericho. I think?
Perhaps I am over-analyzing again. I don’t pretend to know.
Anyway: what is my feeling of being terrified, other than a feeling? An emotion? A neuropeptide sweeping into my bloodstream as I think about the journey I’m on and wonder when it will end?
The nature of emotions is that they pass. I don’t have to live in terror, even if it sweeps through my body once in awhile. Or more often, lately. If I dwell on it, it swells and takes over. If I acknowledge it, and use it as a tool to drive me to the God who defeated Jericho with only a great shout of voices and a marching band, it becomes small again.
Again, easier said than done, but that doesn’t mean I won’t say it, in an effort to force myself into faith instead of doubt.
“May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it.” ~1 Thessalonians 5:23-24 (NIV)
I am called to faith. To be sanctified and blameless in my spirit, soul, and body. And it is Holy Spirit who will keep me so.
It is for me to take my terror in my hands, and lay it at the foot of the Cross, where terror was put to death for all time. To take it captive to Christ, and let the feeling pass, remembering that it is only a feeling, and does not represent the Great Reality. The Reality that I will not walk alone in my stormy, darkness-laden valley.
The one who calls me is faithful, and he will do it.
Here I am, trying to talk myself into faith. Hoping that speaking this aloud, typing it out, will remind my body to line itself up with my soul and spirit, and that being verbal will help me to walk it out in earnest. We’ll see.
Honestly, I don’t doubt that God will do what he says he will do. I only doubt that I can keep my eyes on him after I step out of the boat. I focus too much on myself. God, help me!
Grace & Peace,