Disadvantages of Being a Depressed Extrovert

This is as real as it gets, folks. Hang onto your hats.

I nearly always feel like like I have to be everyone’s friend, which means I must be there for them at all costs, even though I know better.

I run myself ragged trying to encourage and uphold everyone else (including my children), and fall down dead at the end of the day, wondering why I am never enough for anyone.

I feel selfish when I set (and stick to) boundaries. I feel as though I have to make amends for boundaries that are good, right, and appropriate to have.

I feel like a jerk when I can’t “be there” for someone else, even if I didn’t know there was a need until later. (Dumb, huh?)

I truly do care about everyone I come across, and it is much harder to accept that not everyone cares about me as much as I care about them.

I feel like I am pulled in eight billion different directions, because so many people in my life want a piece of me.

At the end of the day, I find I have no pieces of myself left to give, and those closest to me suffer.

Not having any pieces left also leaves me broken, and because of my extroverted tendencies, many people (who don’t know me very well) seem to think I can just pull myself together all by myself, because I’m “so strong!”

They are disappointed when I just. can’t. do it anymore.

I am disappointed in myself when I just. can’t. do it anymore.

I still manage to wear the smile and use the right words to at least superficially resemble the Sunshine everyone thinks I am.

It’s easy to be too open with people I shouldn’t be so open with. Even if I don’t want to be.

It’s hard to recognize when I’m running on empty until I crash. (And possibly, burn.)

I question my every motive, every word, every action, hoping that I was pleasing, encouraging, and lovely to be around, in spite of my load. Hoping I lived up to my Sunshiney nickname.

I have so much less to give right now, there are rarely leftovers once I meet my basic family obligations (if I even manage to do that). This is not the Normal Me, but it’s the Right Now Me.

I am an extrovert running on fumes, and what would normally fill up my tank, does not. Normally, being around people fills me up beautifully.

It used to be that if I just got out of the house/took a weekend away/had a girls’ night/date night, I’d be fine. Now? Not so much. Those things have become just One More Thing. I can’t help but do some of them anyway, because there are some in my life who are worth the effort. And because I don’t want to hurt anyone I love. I truly don’t.

If I choose to expend my energy on someone these days, it means I’ve counted the cost, and I know that they are worth it. I am not going to do things out of false obligation any more.

I have a hard time facing the fact that I am broken right now. That something is wrong with me. The rainbows, sunshine, and unicorns are shabby, grey, and worn out. And no one seems to get that.

Well, not no one. That’s hyperbole. Pathetic, self-pitying hyperbole.

Not many get it, though.

The Few who haven’t given up on me know this. They see it. They kick my rear end and help me see myself more clearly. Which I love and hate at the same time. After all, they are the only ones NOT telling me what I should or shouldn’t be doing, but encouraging me to think, search, and pray. They are the ones asking me questions, listening, and gently pointing me back to the Truth of God’s Word, and the Truth of my current (not forever) brokenness.

I know they are right, and I see the sense in their advice, but it takes a long time to act, because I am Done. Finished. I don’t want to do Anything Else.

But, I have to.

I just have to.

And everyone else has all the answers, except those precious few who really see inside, and love me anyway. Who don’t question my motives or friendship every time I say something weird. Who don’t mind that I’m not the same as I used to be, because they actually love Who I Really Am, and not just the Sunshiney version of me.

I know I won’t be in this place forever, and I’m prayerfully working on it. God is still on his throne, and he’s still Good, even if all’s not right in my world.


Wow.

That got a lot more raw than I thought it would. Okay then. I know I’m not alone, and that my struggles aren’t special. I don’t have the corner on the depression market, by any means. Ultimately, I walk in hope. I would just like everyone to see God working in my life, even if it means showing you my Ugly Face.

So, thanks for “listening.” God bless you. (I actually mean that.)

Grace & Peace,
Tiffany

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12 thoughts on “Disadvantages of Being a Depressed Extrovert

  1. Aww…Tiff that was beautiful! The raw Nd the broken are the beautiful things in life. I find Jesus neck deep in the hurt with me in those times. I also very much identify with you. It was like you took how I have felt many times and put it on paper (or computer..haha) thank you for your transparently, I wish I could do it more like this. You are a beauty and a wonderful woman chasing after Gods heart. PERFECT!! xoxo

  2. Though you may not know it, you are one of my favorite people because you are always real. I wish I could be there, just to have tea with you and you wouldn’t have to say anything at all, unless you wanted to. That is the advantage of having introvert friends. 😉

    • That is very, very true, Sara. 🙂 You are also one of my favorite people, and if we ever make it to Oregon, you can bet you are one of those I’d be making time for. ❤

  3. Wow, this summed up my inner being so well being an extrovert. Suffering from trying to please everyone has taken its toll on myself, I’m glad you’ve come to terms with this, I hope I do sometime soon.

  4. Oh lovely girl. How well do I understand this struggle. Our mutual friend E and I have been doing a Beth Moore study and the last video was ALL about this. Not sure if you are still feeling this way since you wrote this in August, but I suspect that even if you aren’t right now, you will be again. (I am exactly the same way). You should ask E about the video. It has really convicted me. I bet you would enjoy it too. Hope all is well and lovely with you and yours!

    • It really depends on the day lately. While all is not well and lovely, there is a LOT that is, and for that, I am thankful!

  5. Reading the title of this post out loud my husband laughed and said “is this about you?” “Well maybe” I said smiling. But I am getting better ( :

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