I nearly always feel like like I have to be everyone’s friend, which means I must be there for them at all costs, even though I know better.
I run myself ragged trying to encourage and uphold everyone else (including my children), and fall down dead at the end of the day, wondering why I am never enough for anyone.
I feel selfish when I set (and stick to) boundaries. I feel as though I have to make amends for boundaries that are good, right, and appropriate to have.
I feel like a jerk when I can’t “be there” for someone else, even if I didn’t know there was a need until later. (Dumb, huh?)
I truly do care about everyone I come across, and it is much harder to accept that not everyone cares about me as much as I care about them.
I feel like I am pulled in eight billion different directions, because so many people in my life want a piece of me.
At the end of the day, I find I have no pieces of myself left to give, and those closest to me suffer.
Not having any pieces left also leaves me broken, and because of my extroverted tendencies, many people (who don’t know me very well) seem to think I can just pull myself together all by myself, because I’m “so strong!”
They are disappointed when I just. can’t. do it anymore.
I am disappointed in myself when I just. can’t. do it anymore.
I still manage to wear the smile and use the right words to at least superficially resemble the Sunshine everyone thinks I am.
It’s easy to be too open with people I shouldn’t be so open with. Even if I don’t want to be.
It’s hard to recognize when I’m running on empty until I crash. (And possibly, burn.)
I question my every motive, every word, every action, hoping that I was pleasing, encouraging, and lovely to be around, in spite of my load. Hoping I lived up to my Sunshiney nickname.
I have so much less to give right now, there are rarely leftovers once I meet my basic family obligations (if I even manage to do that). This is not the Normal Me, but it’s the Right Now Me.
I am an extrovert running on fumes, and what would normally fill up my tank, does not. Normally, being around people fills me up beautifully.
It used to be that if I just got out of the house/took a weekend away/had a girls’ night/date night, I’d be fine. Now? Not so much. Those things have become just One More Thing. I can’t help but do some of them anyway, because there are some in my life who are worth the effort. And because I don’t want to hurt anyone I love. I truly don’t.
If I choose to expend my energy on someone these days, it means I’ve counted the cost, and I know that they are worth it. I am not going to do things out of false obligation any more.
I have a hard time facing the fact that I am broken right now. That something is wrong with me. The rainbows, sunshine, and unicorns are shabby, grey, and worn out. And no one seems to get that.
Well, not no one. That’s hyperbole. Pathetic, self-pitying hyperbole.
Not many get it, though.
The Few who haven’t given up on me know this. They see it. They kick my rear end and help me see myself more clearly. Which I love and hate at the same time. After all, they are the only ones NOT telling me what I should or shouldn’t be doing, but encouraging me to think, search, and pray. They are the ones asking me questions, listening, and gently pointing me back to the Truth of God’s Word, and the Truth of my current (not forever) brokenness.
I know they are right, and I see the sense in their advice, but it takes a long time to act, because I am Done. Finished. I don’t want to do Anything Else.
But, I have to.
I just have to.
And everyone else has all the answers, except those precious few who really see inside, and love me anyway. Who don’t question my motives or friendship every time I say something weird. Who don’t mind that I’m not the same as I used to be, because they actually love Who I Really Am, and not just the Sunshiney version of me.
I know I won’t be in this place forever, and I’m prayerfully working on it. God is still on his throne, and he’s still Good, even if all’s not right in my world.
That got a lot more raw than I thought it would. Okay then. I know I’m not alone, and that my struggles aren’t special. I don’t have the corner on the depression market, by any means. Ultimately, I walk in hope. I would just like everyone to see God working in my life, even if it means showing you my Ugly Face.
So, thanks for “listening.” God bless you. (I actually mean that.)
Grace & Peace,