It’s Strange.

I don’t take as many pictures as I used to. Half the time, I don’t know where my camera is. I’m not sure why that changed. Partly, I cut back on purpose, as I realized how few pictures we really “need.” Yet…I just don’t pick up the camera much any more. At all.

It’s strange.

I used to rely heavily on a simply organized household notebook, which actually helped me quite a lot. Though we were busy, I was able to generally keep up. It was easier to let go of things that could wait, and to recognize those things.

Not so much any more. I still have the notebook, which has evolved, but I don’t use it the way I used to. Not since Oregon 2012. I don’t beat myself up for it. I just wonder why I just can’t process things around here the way I used to.

It’s strange.

I look back, and see stability, joy, struggle, change, growth, smiles, creativity, confidence.

Now, not as much.

It’s strange.

I had a feeling, for a long time, that the stability we were enjoying was a time of preparation. Of a building-up, so that when the shit hit the fan, I would be ready. I could stand. I knew it was coming. I could feel it.

And it did come.

Now, I’m in the middle of it all, and I feel paralyzed. I can’t move. I can’t be myself. I can’t just do it.

Help is here with me. In many forms, but mostly people. God. Husband. Friends. Children. Mentor. Counselor.

It’s strange.

How in this place, I am surrounded and alone, but not alone. Lonely, but not alone? Alone, but not lonely?

It’s one of those.

And I actually believe I’ll be okay.

In the meantime, the procrastination is strong with me… How about you?

Grace & Peace,


5 thoughts on “It’s Strange.

  1. I’m always glad when you “pick up your pen” and write, even if it’s not cheery. It’s life, with all its crazy ups and downs. It’s honest, it’s real. And I can understand the loneliness, I’ve been feeling it quite a lot lately too. It’s tough being in a new place, with littles in the house, and struggling to reach out. I find it hard to even know what to write, when I do have that rare moment that I can actually write. Love you friend! (Also, your blog won’t let me sign as deployed heart again 😦 I have to sign through Facebook).

    • Hugs back, Meg. I will check my settings again. WordPress changed the dashboard layout awhile back. I wonder if that’s why…

  2. Just remember you’ll always have the strength to do what is set in front of you. Don’t sweat the peripherals! Seasons like this can last a while, and then, all of a sudden, you’ll look up ans see it changed, without you even realizing it. Take this time to love on your kids and be ministered to. That’s what it’s for.
    Oh, and I agree with Megan, you should pick up your camera…even if it’s once a week glimpse into your day…just so you have it for later.
    Love ya!

    • Thank you, Marla. Love ya back! I appreciate the encouragement – especially because it’s easier to believe it now. So, that’s good. πŸ™‚

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