I don’t take as many pictures as I used to. Half the time, I don’t know where my camera is. I’m not sure why that changed. Partly, I cut back on purpose, as I realized how few pictures we really “need.” Yet…I just don’t pick up the camera much any more. At all.
I used to rely heavily on a simply organized household notebook, which actually helped me quite a lot. Though we were busy, I was able to generally keep up. It was easier to let go of things that could wait, and to recognize those things.
Not so much any more. I still have the notebook, which has evolved, but I don’t use it the way I used to. Not since Oregon 2012. I don’t beat myself up for it. I just wonder why I just can’t process things around here the way I used to.
I look back, and see stability, joy, struggle, change, growth, smiles, creativity, confidence.
Now, not as much.
I had a feeling, for a long time, that the stability we were enjoying was a time of preparation. Of a building-up, so that when the shit hit the fan, I would be ready. I could stand. I knew it was coming. I could feel it.
And it did come.
Now, I’m in the middle of it all, and I feel paralyzed. I can’t move. I can’t be myself. I can’t just do it.
Help is here with me. In many forms, but mostly people. God. Husband. Friends. Children. Mentor. Counselor.
How in this place, I am surrounded and alone, but not alone. Lonely, but not alone? Alone, but not lonely?
It’s one of those.
And I actually believe I’ll be okay.
In the meantime, the procrastination is strong with me… How about you?
Grace & Peace,