Doubts, doubts everywhere.
Not in faith. So, that’s good.
Writer’s block sucks. That’s my main doubt right now. Ideas for posts, and topics I am passionate about, simmer underneath the surface of Everything Else in my life.
There is so much my mind is preoccupied with right now, and I’m in that, Not Quite Sure Where to Start place.
I am getting ready for the school year. A little slower than usual, but it’s coming together. My goal is to start no later than the 20th, the day after the kids start at the homeschool support program. We are trying a couple of new curriculum choices that I need to go over and familiarize myself with, too. I’m a little nervous, but after speaking with a friend who uses one of them, I feel somewhat better.
This week, I am mapping out our “Fiscal Family Year.” I don’t even know what “fiscal” means, honestly. I just know that it means that your year might not start in January. Guess I should look that up…heh. I’m planning out when I’ll take a break from birth work, and give our family some vacation time. July is likely that time. I’m using some new forms that seem to fit the way my brain works, to give me a visual idea of what our year will look like. I love Pinterest for this sort of thing – there are a lot of do-able, non-intimidating ideas there, and I am finding it easier to adapt the ideas I like to our family’s Real Life.
So, that’s good.
We are looking forward to a visit from family, and a trip to Oklahoma for my sister’s wedding.
Speaking of Oklahoma, Mom is officially there with Jen, Tyler, and Schel-bel. She is planning on staying there for the next two months to help with final preparations for the wedding ceremony, and to share her M&M’s with Tischel (a most grateful recipient, I’m sure). So, our couch is empty and lonely at night, but I’m sure she’ll survive.
The house feels a little more empty than it did before, except for the garage. That’s going to always be full, I think.
And Depression. There’s that, too. I have found a counselor, and will be calling her today to set up an appointment to work through ALL THE THINGS. I have come to the conclusion that my depression is not directly related to my grief over Dad’s death. The more I pray about it, and the more I talk about it with people I trust, the more I realize it’s very likely the accumulation of a Bunch of Stressful Things over the past several years, and my body has decided it’s done with all of it.
People keep asking me if it’s spiritual.
I do believe it affects my spiritual life, but its roots aren’t in the spiritual. It is very much physical and emotional. God and I keep chatting about it, and he’s reassured me that it’s simply something that is happening to my body right now, and I feel reassured I’ll come out of it via natural methods and counseling. I think my brain just needs someone who can actually give me tools to help me sort through the various sources of stress.
I don’t need to “just vent.” That doesn’t do any good. Just talking about it doesn’t help much at all. I am still left with decisions on how to handle things, how to process things, and what to do next, practically speaking, with the things my body’s depression is throwing at me.
Stupid depression is stupid. I wish it would just go away.
In the meantime, I’m thankful for the good days. I walk in freedom, I really do. And joy is there, deep under the surface, where I can’t quite reach it. It bubbled up a little this week, after I did a Theophostic session with some very dear friends, where God gave me some very solid answers to things I didn’t know I needed.
God is so cool.
Still, it’s obvious that I have a long way to go. And that’s okay. Everyone does.
It’s not just me.
In the meantime, doubts, doubts everywhere. About a lot of things. Things I hope I can work through with the help of a counselor. I feel a lot more confident about the track I’m taking, and have accepted the fact I need help. (Though I still doubt it, because my brain is a scumbag at the moment, and likes to lie to me.)
I’m good, but not great. Today, anyway. Who knows what I’ll be tomorrow?
I’m just hoping to get back to feeling like Sunshine again.
Grace & Peace,