This morning, I feel some hope for the first time in a long time.
Hospice has yet to call me back, but Mom and Levi are encouraging me to keep trying until I hear back from them.
Mom and Levi are encouraging me.
My closest friends are checking in with me.
My conflicted brain doesn’t want to reach out or be close to anyone, but knows that I need it. My very reasonable cerebral cortex has declared that I will get help. The limbic system of my brain declares otherwise. It throws tantrums and declares that I would rather be alone, while resenting people for leaving me alone. It tries to convince me that my tears are just internal drama made external. It tells me to stiffen when Levi hugs me. It tells me not to accept favors from anyone.
Unreasonable thing, that amygdala (or whichever part is our emotional seat – I forget).
So, anyway. Hope.
God has provided a comfort zone, financially speaking, in which I can move more easily. He has provided faithfully in a sudden and unexpected way. He has humbled me completely, when all my pride was screaming at me to thrust the gift back into the hands of the giver. I would be rejecting his hand if I rejected this gift.
Rejecting God is never a good idea. (Even as I type this, that darn amygdala tries to interfere and make me believe that I’m weak for accepting such a gift.)
Because of this gift, I have options. I’m not painted into a corner. If hospice can’t help me, then I have a cushion. I can look elsewhere more easily.
I feel like I can breathe a little better.
I never did feel truly hopeless. I just felt limited and cynical. No matter where I looked, there were limits to what I could do, and where I could go to seek help. That has been lifted. I don’t carry that burden any more.
I know it sounds a bit like my hope was riding on material things. It wasn’t. Even though the lack of resources was frustrating to me, I knew that God would provide within the means Levi and I already had. There was never any real doubt that God would provide within our means for me to get help. I didn’t expect such an over-the-top, miracle-esque answer to my prayers for provision.
Why do I always get so surprised when he answers in the affirmative? Oh, that’s right. Because I’m human, and my brain doesn’t currently work correctly.
Still, I’ll take the joyful surprise, and do my best to honor God by it. By choosing hope.
Grace & Peace,