Perhaps, that is because I had a breakdown and a revelation yesterday.
I am not whole or healthy.
It’s been more than six months since Dad died.
In reality, I ought to have seen a little bit of improvement in my depressive symptoms. Instead, they’ve gotten progressively worse. I only have moments of clarity. The rest of the time, I walk around in a fog. Uncaring. Unfeeling. Blind and deaf to those around me, who need me.
This has affected my relationships, my daily life, my appetite, my internal monologue, my prayer life, and my professional life. I am functioning, but only on the surface. I have not really been fully present for months.
Especially at home, with my husband and children.
That is not normal.
So, it comes down to this: I need professional help.
My main problem is that I just don’t care any more. At all. I must force myself to start caring about this. It’s the apathy that’s going to kill me. The numbing, self-centered, grey-hued rut my mind refuses to step out of is going to drown me if I don’t get help now.
I feel grateful to God for my Mom and my friends, who provided the revelation in such a painful, loving way yesterday. It still stings today, but I’d rather hurt than be numb any more.
I must act before the apathy hits again, which it likely will by tonight. I don’t feel this clear-headed for very long at a time, even if it looks like I do.
Of course, there is no timetable for grief. Of course, there is an individual process. However, when it’s adversely affecting every facet of one’s life for six straight months, something’s got to give.
It’s not going to be me. (I hope. At this point, I really don’t know.)
The depression (or whatever this is) has got to go.
Anyway, I am pursuing help through hospice first, to see if I can be covered under their counseling services. I have a few back-up options I want to try as well, if the Lord closes that door.
My prayer is that whoever I’m able to see for therapy will tell me that I can fight it through natural means first. I am not opposed to medication, but I want to find someone willing to try everything else first. I already know that, for the two weeks I took my supplements consistently, I felt much more balanced and normal, but that could have just been a coincidence.
I have a lot of options in this, and I will seek out the most trustworthy advice I can. Please – cover me in prayer. I don’t really want advice at this point, except from care providers, who will know my case history, medical needs, and circumstances. There is so much more to this that I am not sharing, because this is the Internet.
Right now, I just need prayer for wisdom, strength, and the provision to pay for whatever help I need. And I need permission to share my journey without condemnation. I need permission to write about this.
It’s the only time I feel cognizant of my own heart.
Grace & Peace,
PS: Image found at highanxieties.files.wordpress.com