I Want to Keep Caring

The list of things I need to do looms large, while motivation wanes. I keep thinking to myself, “Wouldn’t it be nice if I could just not care about anything?”

I know better. I imagine a life where I don’t care, and I don’t like what that looks like.

I don’t like what my life looks like right now, but at least I still care. Yet, caring is a burden.

I’m not enough. Not for anyone.

Not a self-criticism, just a statement of fact. Never before have I realized how inadequate I am to meet every need of any one person in my life. Never before have I realized how inadequate the people in my own life are, no matter how much they have helped me.

No matter how much of a difference one person can make, it will never be enough to shake foundations or shift paradigms.

Jesus really is the answer.

That’s it. That’s all there is.

Jesus.

If I had no one else, Jesus would have to be enough. I’m beginning to realize that he is enough. I thought I knew that before now. I didn’t.

I fall, and I land in a safe place, surrounded by friends and family who love me, and want to help. They can’t. They are encouraging, heartening, edifying, correcting, and loving me wholeheartedly. They give of themselves to minister to me. They are the Church to me.

Yet, there’s nothing they can really do for me.

At the most, they hold my hand as I walk the valley.

I don’t say this to minimize their ministry to me. It is through them that Jesus is helping me. It is through them that I cannot forget that I am loved and cared for. It is through them that I realize that I am not the only one hurting. I am not the only one in need of encouragement. It is because of them that I know that there is a world beyond the end of my nose that needs me to keep living and moving and having my being.

Without them, I would have crumbled long ago.

At the end of the day, however, it is not other people I am leaning on, but One Person.

Jesus.

Without him, I wouldn’t care.

I wouldn’t care that others were reaching out to me, even in the midst of their own need. I wouldn’t care that others were giving of themselves to love me. I would take it for granted that I ought to be the center of their attention. Ridiculous thought, but hey, I’m all about honesty right now. Without Jesus, I wouldn’t care about my family, my friends, my clients, or my colleagues. I wouldn’t care at all.

How do you like them apples?

My soul is not as lovely as I would like it to be. God has peeled back varnished layers to reveal the rotting corners that still lurk in me.

He is ripping up floor boards, bleaching things, and scrubbing nooks and crannies in me that I didn’t know I had.

It hurts.

A lot.

Selfishness, pride, hypocrisy, and self-centered desires are fighting fiercely to regain their foothold. I hurt the ones I love most because of my Self. I see it, and can’t stop it.

I feel loved, but I doubt those around me do.

Work in progress.

What a cop-out, even if it is the truth.

Progress hurts. I want to fight it. I want to scream, and clench my fists, and stay here. I want to surrender, let change wash over me, and grow.

I want to keep caring.

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