I am not a very good friend. I don’t know that I ever have been.
I drop the ball so often, I doubt that I’ve ever had much of a grip on it.
It’s too easy to stay stuck in the world inside my head, and to forget to look past the end of my nose at the needs of others. Especially when I am very needy myself lately.
Introspection hurts sometimes, and it should, if I’m being totally honest.
The day I become fully self-satisfied is the day I might as well give up.
Self-criticism isn’t a bad thing, in healthy doses, so please just stay with me in this post, okay? This is not a cry for attention, or fishing for a compliment — as it probably appears. This is just me, finally facing a gaping flaw in my character that I have pushed aside for too long.
I have a driving need lately to be honest here. Really and truly honest.
In this day and age of self-confidence and self-love, and accepting our imperfections, I think a little honest self-chastisement is overdue for me. We all admit to being imperfect, but I seem to have been content lately to stay that way. To just shrug off my failings and pretend they’re not that bad.
The truth is, they are that bad, and those dearest to me suffer for it.
I have a few, dear friends (not to mention my husband) who have bent over backwards for me lately. Constantly offering help, checking in on me, and just being available to listen. They do it without expecting anything in return. They are my tribe, my church. They have been there.
Yet, they are stuck with a very flaky version of me. Their grace and forgiveness mirrors that of Jesus right now. I stand back, look at myself, and wonder if I’d really be friends with me.
I don’t know that I would right now.
My selfishness lately is astounding – especially when it comes to my husband and my friends. All I can seem to see are MY needs. MY problems. MY hurts.
What about them? Where are their hurts, needs, and problems on my radar? They’re there, alright, but I allow them to be overshadowed by my own. I’ve been very wrong in my behavior, and I’ve known it.
I have been hiding behind the excuse that, “I’m just not very good at coming up with things to do for people.” Pretty flimsy, isn’t it?
Unfortunately, this won’t be fixed merely by my trying harder, but by dying more (as my pastor likes to say).
So what if I’m being “hard” on myself? No one else is going to be. I just want to look as honestly at my weaknesses as I look at my strengths, to see where I can grow. All y’all who read this here blog are too kind and gracious toward me. I know there are several of you to whom I likely owe an apology and some chocolate.
So, let me face myself honestly. I just ask that you come alongside me to help me do a little better. Help me die a little more.
Let me be raw for awhile.
Grace & Peace,