Yesterday was a pretty decent day, emotionally speaking.
I think it’s because I finally let out all that stuff I wrote in Wednesday’s post. I think my body finally let go of some of it a little. I felt a little lighter, but on edge, waiting for it all to crumble again.
I tried to take advantage of the day. Sort of. I was able to get some bills paid, get a little school done with the kids, and catch up on some work that should have been done two weeks ago. I was able to see with clear eyes, just how much this has affected me.
Even with what little I did, I look back this morning, and realize that I wasted that good energy. I didn’t get outside. I didn’t do much at all. Yesterday, I could have. I had it in me. I had the energy, the motivation, and the desire. I just chose idleness for most of the day.
I know I ought to give myself grace on the bad days, and let myself heal, but on the good days — what could be more healing than getting some things done? I could have got out a paintbrush and worked on a wall of my bedroom. I could have pulled out some mending. I could have worked on some embroidery. I could have played a board game with the kids. All things that I love to do.
But, I didn’t. I sat on my butt nearly all day.
I cooked dinner, though. Made homemade mac ‘n cheese, instead of letting the kids make their own open-face sandwiches.
I’m sure many of you are thinking that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. I’m really not being hard on myself, though. It just looks like I am. Really, I find myself standing apart from myself and observing. As if part of my consciousness is a scientist in a white lab coat, clipboard and fountain pen in hand, taking notes.
I’m not criticizing myself, just noting where I could have done better. We all do that. And we all should. It’s part of life to try and learn what areas need growth.
At least I feel more free to write. We’ll see what today brings. Here. Have a puppy.
Grace & Peace,