I shared awhile back that I think my “word for the year” is Everyday.
As I have been praying about it, I’ve begun to discover the reason, though I hope that hindsight at the end of the year shows me more.
For one thing, I need order right now. Desperately.
Grief is a tricky thing, and comes in all kinds of shapes, colors, and sizes throughout my days right now. Some days, I forget that Daddy is really gone, because I’m so used to living halfway across the country from him. Then, when I am reminded, I crash and burn pretty hard. Other days, I just feel a dull ache that doesn’t go away, and taints everything I do or say, no matter how hard I try not to let it. Still other days, I find joy in knowing that I am living my life in a way that made Daddy proud of me, and I’m able to just keep moving. Still other days (I told you it came in all varieties!) I find myself just moving numbly through our routine with a will and energy that literally leaves me as soon as school and chores are done for the day. I shut down. I close off, and I’m done.
Needless to say, all of this has served to give me higher highs and lower lows than I’ve ever dealt with, and I find myself needing something more stable to help me.
Everyday has to start somewhere. I kind of wish someone else would just come in and tell me what to do everyday, but that’s not going to happen. Even God only asks me to meet with Him. Beyond that, it’s up to me.
So, I came up with an idea that I’d like to try. Something simple. Very ordinary.
Things like taking my supplements, hydrating, eating breakfast, and other mundane things really do go a long way in helping me feel better. In addition to that, I wrote myself a basic schedule – not attached to times, but something I can conceivably do everyday, to bring myself into better emotional balance. I hope. I won’t be rigid, of course, but if I have a focus and a general plan, I think I can do better, and heal better, and cope better than I have been.
Here it is:
- Quiet Time
- Daily chores w/ kids
- Correct schoolwork
- 1 hour of something productive (pick one, set a timer, and go)
- 1 hour of birth work (set a timer, and go)
- Dinner with kids
- Clean-up time + bedtime routine (story)
-some household project (starting with painting my bedroom)
I don’t know. We’ll see. It’s an idea I’ve had for awhile, and I think it’s time to implement it. I need to move on as best as I can. I need to allow myself time to heal, but not at the expense of my home and family. I need to give myself grace, but not so much that I lose sight of accountability and self-control.
It’s a balancing act.
Everything in moderation. Even grief.
At least, that’s how I feel about it. I’ve learned that everyone copes differently, and that it’s okay for me to do what I need to do to heal. God has designed my body and mind to know how to process grief in the way that will be healthiest for me. In a way that leaves the Hope of Glory as my foundation. In a way that allows me to share sincere joy, even if it is only in the background sometimes.
Joy will come again to the forefront soon enough on its own. I already have days where it is front and center, and that is one of the greatest comforts of all. As long as my eyes are up, and turned away from myself, my Self will heal under the gentle hands of my Father, who made me.
I choose to trust Him.
How do you find yourself dealing with changes that feel too big?
Grace & Peace,