I Don’t Have it All Together

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I try so hard to be encouraging and positive whenever I put my words out there for everyone to see (and judge). Sometimes, I wonder if I’m real enough. I know I share some struggles, but even in that, I try to focus on the positive: That God is good, that he loves me, and that everything will turn out alright in the long run if I just keep my eyes on him.

I believe that last sentence. It’s the truth on which my faith rests. I will run, and finish my race, according to His will, and by His grace alone. My life really is all about Jesus.

I don’t want to be a complainer or a hypocrite.

I wonder sometimes if those most privy to my real, everyday struggles see my posts and wonder where that positive spin was when I texted them asking for prayer. I wonder if my closest friends think I’m just giving lip service to what I believe.

The truth is, I’m not okay. I believe. I trust. I do my best to walk it out. But I’m not okay.

I hurt. Badly. I get discouraged. I feel overwhelmed. I struggle deeply.

More deeply than I’d care to admit publicly.

I don’t know what the answer is, so I just keep coming around to Jesus.

Even He struggled with the cup of suffering God asked him to drink.

I don’t serve a God who doesn’t understand my struggles. He knows. More deeply than I could imagine. He understands me better than I understand me.

“For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.

Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are–yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” ~Hebrews 4:12-16 (NIV – emphasis mine)

So, I trust that. I stand on it. I approach the throne of grace, over and over, as many times as it takes.

I’m not moved or shaken, but boy do I feel beat up some days.

I don’t have it all together.

I just trust in the One in whom I live, and move, and have my being. I trust in the One who does have it all together, in the palm of His hands.

Do you know him? If you haven’t met, I’ll introduce you. The solace, peace, and grace I find in the shadow of his might wings amazes me daily.

Grace & Peace,
Tiffany

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5 thoughts on “I Don’t Have it All Together

  1. So well written. I’m sorry you have to go through this time of loss. You won’t find any judgement from me if you don’t have it all together, and much more importantly You certainly won’t from the only One who counts. Hang in there. He will sustain you, even if you don’t always feel His hands.

  2. Don’t worry so much about your friends We’re here to lift you up in prayer right now. You’re allowed to hurt, and allowed to be honest about those feelings. Love you!

  3. You are really in a good place sis. At least compared to mine I think. You struggle, but when it comes down to it, you have peace and strength. I’m kinda the opposite right now, not sure how to deal with it. I’m strong on the outside and when people ask me, I can talk all about the peace I have and what God is doing in my life, but at night when I lay my head on the pillow, I wanna cry. I hold it back all day and don’t know why. When I’m left alone to my thoughts I want to break down. When I think about everything I’m overwhelmed and feel as though I can’t take anymore. Then the next day comes and someone asks me how I’m doing…”I’m doing well, u?” Its a vicious cycle. I’d much rather be on your end.

    • I had a complete and total breakdown yesterday morning, after Levi called me. Utterly broken, literally crying into the carpet. So yeah – I’m kind of in that place too. I hide in books to keep it at bay, but it hits hard sometimes, whether I want it to or not.

      We are in this together, you and I.

      Love you.

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