The boys are “vacuuming” their bedroom. This mainly means that they are using the hose to suck each other’s hair and bellies. The floor looks pretty much done, so I’m not going to interrupt the fun just yet.
I mopped the floor in the kitchen while listening to some really, really loud worship music. There is something soothing about working really hard when I am not entirely sure what is going on inside of me.
I used some of my childbirth education money to get myself a fresh haircut this morning. It’s amazing what a shampoo/scalp massage and a slightly new style can do. My neck tension is far less than it was when I woke up. I felt a little badly getting it done, but I knew that it would help so much. Besides, I was tired of looking like a hobbit.
I had a good cry today. Over a sink full of sudsy dishes, actually. Most of the time, I walk around kind of numb, and feeling a little lost. I get up from the table to do one thing, only to forget what that was. I start something else, and leave it unfinished and unnoticed. I drop things like I did when I was big and pregnant. (No, I’m not pregnant.)
I forget the weirdest things.
Earlier this week, I remembered to print EVERYTHING I needed for my childbirth class. Yet, I grabbed my husband’s keys instead of my own, and could not get into the office. He had to drive my keys up to me. The next day, I remembered the keys, but not my phone. Again, I hadn’t missed a single book or handout for class.
It’s like my brain is in Awkward Mode or something.
I know it’s just grief and stress.
Grief is strange. Very, very strange.
I hate it, but I know it’s necessary.
It’s not okay. I’m not okay.
But, I’m managing. I’m doula-ing myself a little. Trying to remember simple things like drinking, eating, and hygiene. Oh yeah – and feeding the kids.
I am so thankful for all the love that is surrounding me, accepting me, and letting me just be what I need to be. People are asking how I’m doing, and really listening. I haven’t heard a single shallow platitude or cliché. I haven’t heard trite sayings. Only love, truth, and encouragement have come my way from everyone. The support is overwhelming. It helps me step out of myself a little, and reminds me to ask others how I can pray for them.
I can walk through this valley. I can. I have to.
Thanks for letting me walk with the steps I need to take. Keep praying for me. In the meantime, how can I pray for YOU and your family? I mean it. It really does help to pray for others. So, share something you need prayer for in the comments. I’ll do it. I’ll pray for you.
Grace & Peace,