I am not yet self-less.
I want to hide today.
To run away and bury my nose in a good book, or sit and browse facebook all day long. I want to pretend that there aren’t four sick children in my house on my birthday.
I want to pretend that my washer isn’t broken, and that I don’t have to wait until tomorrow (or later) to wash barfed-on bedding.
I want to cry at the thought of one bathroom for all the stomach bugged children.
Especially since I just had to scrub vomit out of my carpet after one of my precious ones didn’t have a bowl handy, and the bathroom was taken.
I want to cry, cry, and cry some more.
I want to complain.
I have reached out twice for prayer, and yet I still cannot seem to surrender my stress and disappointment to the God of All Comfort.
How do I let go?
How do I win the battle against the one who is successfully stealing my joy today?
How do I stand firm in the fact that God is still good, still faithful, and that even in this yucky day, that he has a Purpose for every moment?
I want to hide.
I want to hide in the right place – in the shadow of his wings, where there is peace. Where faith is in charge, and where I remember that I wear the righteousness of Christ as a garment. In reality, I am saved. There is nothing that can separate me from the love of God, so why do I allow something as simple as sick children thwart me?
My spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak.
It’s easy to be gentle with the kids, but not with myself. I see the condition of my heart today – disappointed and discouraged – and I want to just erase it and be joy-filled. My home would be so much happier. But still, I struggle.
“Oh, you of little faith,” I can almost hear his voice. “Why do you worry so? My grace is sufficient. Rest in me.”
Lord, how I want to! Help me!
I am not yet self-less. Make me so…