The kids and I just had a simple dinner, and they’re now outside (finally) enjoying some really springy sunshiney breezes in the backyard. Tischel is crawling around, trying to get into things that don’t belong to her, and pretending she can’t really walk. (She can, she just needs a big audience, apparently. Whole ‘nuther post, that one.)
I hate that I have not written daily. It annoys me. I don’t feel guilty or anything. Simply put, I’m just a better person when I write stuff down everyday, no matter what it is.
A Very Busy May is looming just a few days ahead, and I was feeling rather swamped, until I wrote a list of all that must be accomplished in May. It’s a long list of short things. Then, I filled up my calendar with all the commitments I know I already have. *Deeeeeeep breath* It’s more than I like, but not more than what most people cope with every single month.
I really prefer not to be busy, but it’s mostly unavoidable. So, I’m pretty choosy about what I’m busy with. Being busy with friends dropping by or homeschooling my kids (honest to goodness, I mean that) or doing something small and crafty are all things that give me a little thrill of being useful.
Looking at this list, and my calendar, I’ve realized something: It’s time to schedule things out a little more concretely, at least for this one month.
This will require the dreaded “Self-Discipline” in order to initiate and maintain.
A big weakness of mine. However…
His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.
For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.
But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins. Therefore, my brothers, be all the more eager to make your calling and election sure. For if you do these things, you will never fall, and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
~2 Peter 1:3-11 (NIV – emphasis mine)
I know that, lately, I’m feeling a bit near-sighted and blind, rather than self-controlled. No wonder I have a hard time persevering. I have yet to master self-control.
I am honestly making every effort, however, and I have confidence the Lord will continue to build up these characteristics in me.
One step at a time, little by little, day by day, I’m getting closer.
It would be so nice to just wake up tomorrow, having just arrived.
That is a fool’s fantasy, though. Hence, my need for self-control and perseverance.
I’ll fully admit: Very Busy May is staring me down, and trying to intimidate me. It’s almost working.
Especially because my relative quiet is gone. I have one kid throwing a tantrum in her room, and another whining about everything. Still another is bossing everyone else within an inch of their lives.
Part of me wants to just scream, at the top of my lungs: “SHUT-UP!!!”
But I won’t.
That’s self-control, right? Progress? Maybe.
I just went down the hall and dealt with it as calmly as I could, but I don’t feel any better. One of those days where it feels like, no matter what I do, it’s wrong.
Being a mother is the roughest road I’ve ever traveled. Lately, I don’t like it much, if I’m being completely honest. It seems, to me, as though the kids conspire amongst themselves to allow new issues to surface all at the same time. My creativity in loving discipline is running short. They spend a lot of time on their bed, so Mommy can stew and fume to herself before she finally prays and calms down.
Very Busy May.
Forget May. It’s not even here yet.
Very Present TODAY is where my head and heart need to be.
God, help me!