Petty and Small

I am petty and small.
Good at making mountains out of mole hills.
Being childish when it suits my purpose,
giving way unnecessarily to emotions.

I can’t be as clear-headed as I think I am.
I can’t be logical more than rarely.

I am a woman undone.

Raw and wounded.

A monsoon of my chaotic thoughts stirs up everything within me,
yet I take it out on the faultless?

I make no sense.

Because I am petty and small.

I have blinded myself to the blessings around me,
discontented with the small and daily.

I grope and stumble around, looking for solutions,
wishing for a big sister to just come and tell me what to do.

I’ve forgotten how to pray in the middle of storms.

“Please God, help.” is all I can get out.

I don’t know what I need.
Do I want to know what I need?

What if it’s hard?
What if it’s too hard, and I fail again?

See?

I am petty and small.
Not as good as everyone seems to think I am.

“Compromise is calling.
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue, when my walk becomes a crawl?”

I am petty and small.

But God wants more.

“Everyone’s got to crawl when they’re up against a wall.”

I am up against a wall now.

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One thought on “Petty and Small

  1. This is fascinating. As I read it I kept thinking, “Did I write down my thoughts last night?” because this is where I was when I finally went to bed after torturing myself about something that didn’t go my way. I woke up trying to make the thoughts flee as well and this morning have come to these very conclusions.
    May God deeply bless you for ministering to my heart and the hearts of many others.

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