I wrote this post the day before yesterday, after I’d had a couple of what I consider hideous weeks. You know, after one has done very well for a month, then one thinks to oneself “I deserve a break – I think I’ll back off a bit today.” Then “today” turns into “two weeks”. The house explodes as a result of that one day, and it’s impossible to get back on track.
Please tell me you know about this phenomenon.
Anyway, Levi came to my rescue that night in many ways, and I’m back on the right track. So, read on, and know that you’re not alone if you’ve felt the way I was feeling.
I am so tired. Tired of being who I am sometimes.
Am I one of those people who find peace and joy and strength and forgiveness in church on Sunday morning, only to throw it all away on Monday? I fear that I am.
Yesterday morning, in worship, I felt so at home. I was overwhelmed again by the grace of my God. I had so much burdening me that I confessed to the Lord that day. I wept and prayed and lifted my hands in gratitude.
Yet I’m discouraged.
At home, I am often too impatient with my short people. I seem to forget that they’re children. Children, for pete’s sake! Turbo is too rough with his sisters. Sunshine purposely initiates conflict, and Cuteness is stubborn. Bubbers won’t ever let go of my legs. This is all normal.
I feel like I’ve worked so diligently to train them in gentleness and self control. And then, I have a week or two where I blast that all to bits with my poor example. I have to start from scratch. Again.
I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do–this I keep on doing. ~Romans 7:18 & 19 (NIV)
This is exactly where I am right now. I long so deeply to “do what is good” for my kids. My absolute biggest desire is that I can be Jesus to them. And I have been failing these past two weeks.
Yes, I know that everyone makes mistakes. I know that God’s grace covers my sins – that is why I wept on Sunday, knowing that just because I asked, God forgave me. I’m secure in that.
But I want more.
I don’t want to have so much to confess. So much burden to lay down at the foot of the Cross. Once again, I’m questioning what it means to surrender. How exactly does a person do that? What keeps my prayers from being lip service? What is it that keeps my quiet time (small and sometimes scarce) from being a mere ritual?
Where is my heart?
Why is it so easy to raise my voice to my kids? Why is it so easy to lose patience and just send them to their rooms so I don’t have to hear them or see them? Seriously – there are days I can’t stand my kids. They drive me crazy. Not with rebellion. Not with malicious behavior. They’re just loud. All.the.time. Their play is loud, and their fights are loud. They’re even loud when they’re in the potty.
Add to all of that my horrible cycle of being a diligent worker, not “eating the bread of idleness” (Prov. 31), and keeping my house in a state of decency. Not perfection, by any means, but clean and only mildly cluttered. I get such joy out of seeing a clean kitchen first thing in the morning. So why on earth don’t I just clean it every night? I hate having to wash some bowls before serving up some oatmeal. Not to mention the pan I used the previous day. (Yuck, I know.)
One more thing. My poor husband has to live with me. He has valiantly tried to understand me, to listen, and he’s even started cleaning the kitchen recently. I’ll open the dishwasher, expecting a full load ready to be put away, only to find it empty! And everything in its place! He knows all the places I put stuff!!!
And I get catty with him all too easily. I’ve disrespected him in front of the kids. I’ve been downright mean a few times.
And he still loves me. I ask him why, and he just shrugs and says “Because you’re my wife” or something like that. I love him so much, and I really do respect him. Why don’t my actions line up with my heart?
I know all the answers to how to get past all of this.
WHY DON’T I JUST DO THEM?
Or at least continue them longer than a few weeks at a time?
Somedays, I just feel like I suck at life. I know that’s not true, that the Enemy plants those hellish lies in my mind. I try not to listen. But I’m weak. So weak.
Pray for me.
Hi. Me again. I wanted to end this on a positive note, and share with you what the Lord did for me yesterday. Yesterday was wonderful. The house was in decent shape, thanks so much to my hubby, who saw me about to break down, and saved me! The kids were better behaved, thanks to a more peaceful home and mommy! The sun was shining, I got to hang out with Ruthie, a dear friend whom I haven’t seen in awhile, and I listened to Focus on the Family on the way home from the commissary.
It was the second part of a two-part message titled “What I Love About Heaven“, and I want you to go listen to it as soon as you have about 25 minutes. I’m going to listen to the first part today, as soon as I have a chance.
But, I have to tell you; I was moved to tears by what the Lord has in store for me! He reminded me that all of this life is only temporary. Fleeting. “This too shall pass”, He said, and when it does, it’s going to be beyond my imagination!!!
I’d forgotten about Heaven. In the midst of my daily grind, when I just knew I’d never make it, I got a tiny glimpse.
And now I’m trying to look up and see the glory and splendor and absolute happiness that awaits me. Me.
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. ~Revelation 21:4
Will YOU be there? If you’re not sure, I suggest you start by clicking here, and find out what it means to become a part of God’s family. I want you to know the joy of being His…bought & paid for and grafte right in alongside Jesus Himself.
Did you read that verse? EVERY TEAR will be wiped away by the hand of GOD!!! Oh joy!!! I can’t wait.